Monday, October 13, 2014

A Whole Lotta Nope

As I was looking through news stories that made me angry/depressed/weep for humanity, I came across this little gem:

Insane Clowns Are Haunting Southern California

If I lived in Wasco, California I'd be packing up my bags and getting the hell out of there. Actually, I'd make my way out of the state.  Heck, I live in Iowa and I'm still don't think I'm far enough away.

Yes, he is available for kid's parties
If you say you're not afraid of clowns, you're a liar.  A dirty, rotten liar.  Oh sure, your fear may not be so extreme as to warrant the title of Coulrophobia, but don't even try to tell me that if a clown was walking towards you on the street you wouldn't have the desire to run the other direction.  In order to help the world survive the impending evil clown takeover, I have compiled a list of survival tips.  Please keep these in mind the next time you find yourself in the middle of an abandoned fairground at night.  

Clearly we have a problem on our hands
*Note* I will always refer to evil clowns as "he."  I have never met a female clown who was evil, so I'm pretty sure they don't exist.  In fact, I have a female relative who is a clown, and she is a lovely woman.  I don't make the rules, guys.

  1. Evil clowns rarely run.  No matter how fast you are going, however, they will be able to catch up with you.  Your best chance is to not be the slowest person in your group.
  2. Fog will usually start to roll in when there is an evil clown near.  Make sure you have powerful fog lights.
  3. Make sure you always carry a water bottle.  If the clown gets too close, spray him with water.  He will melt.  It's been proven.  Science.
  4. Keep your eyes open for mallets.  For some reason, clowns have an affinity for mallets.  It would be comical if it weren't so terrifying.
  5. For the love of all that is good and holy do not go into the Fun House or Hall of Mirrors.  Actually, this is good advice to follow whether or not a clown is involved. Nothing good will ever come of them.
Throw out some more ideas so we can make a master survival list.  Together, we can beat this.

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